ePUB Fifty Shades Freed By E.L. James – Albawater.co

Sometimes you can just have too much of a good thing I believe one of my GR friends called this book an exhausting melodramatic hot mess (Thanks, Amy!) After having stayed awake until 3:00am to try to push through said mess, I would have to agree I really wanted to love this book When I read Fifty Shades of Grey I was mesmerized I'd never read anything like it The story stuck with me for days, and I immediately bought the second book and it was much the same thing There were little hints of things that bothered me in the second book I have a pretty visceral reaction to people in a relationship using the words let (as in he let me go out) and the second book was peppered with these In the first book, Christian was a Dom, and I expected that from him In the second book Christian had ostensibly let go of that life, and was struggling to let go of his issues with control In this book, he seemed to me to be just an insecure overbearing asshole, who used sex to distract Ana and get her to do what he wanted You know how in some cultures they say they put women on a pedestal, which amounts to stripping them of the ability to express an opinion, to have a say, to be told what's going on and eventually they can't leave the house? That's what Christian reminded me of Oh, I'm so worried about you, I love you so much, I can't bear to have you out of my sight, don't go to work, it's because I love you so much, you are my whole world, and if you do I'll buy the company and bankrupt it so you won't have a job to go to But it's because I love you so much and I'm so afraid something will happen to you Shudders I just wasn't ok with it in this book.(eta: And the hickey thing when they were on their honeymoon???? Juvenile, petty, mean, vindictive I hated it I would have fucking killed him.)Fifty's possessiveness, aggressiveness and control issues were getting pretty old by the middle of this story Watching Ana run around constantly trying to discern if he was angry with her, and changing her behaviour to fit his moods was much worse in this book than the second what was vaguely unsettling in Fifty Shades Darker became downright disturbing in Fifty Shades Freed I should do a Kindle search for please don't be mad at me Together with Holy Fuck and I love this man they make up a good portion of the book.And Ana didn't sit much better with me this time around, either Her voice as narrator, which resonated so much with me in the first 2 books, grated on me this time Other reviews complained of how immature she sounds; I finally agree Frankly, I got tired of hearing how much she loved this man, this beautiful man, her husband, her Fifty It seemed to me that after 2 books of hearing how she can't believe someone that physically beautiful could love her that it would be toned down a bit To me, it seemed to have been cranked up even higher in this book She doesn't say it to herself as much as she did, but her actions and her words and even the way she thinks of Christian screams it.(Ohferchrissakes, I remember thinking You let him shave your snatch but you won't PEE in front of him? How do you ever expect to build a marriage with him?)It all seemed so over the top, almost hokey, all surface declarations of this allconsuming passionate love and I wasn't really buying it this time around They both seemed desperate, and for each step they took forward, they slid backwards twice as far The epilogue and the HEA were nice, but I felt like it could easily have been an addon to the second book and we could have skipped this one entirely Damn, this could easily turn into a rant Me stop now.Barely 3 stars the cover rounded up the 2.5 I would have given it otherwise. When unworldly student Anastasia Steele first encountered the driven and dazzling young entrepreneur Christian Grey it sparked a sensual affair that changed both of their lives irrevocably Shocked, intrigued, and, ultimately, repelled by Christian’s singular erotic tastes, Ana demands a deeper commitment Determined to keep her, Christian agrees Now, Ana and Christian have it all—love, passion, intimacy, wealth, and a world of possibilities for their future But Ana knows that loving her Fifty Shades will not be easy, and that being together will pose challenges that neither of them would anticipate Ana must somehow learn to share Christian’s opulent lifestyle without sacrificing her own identity And Christian must overcome his compulsion to control as he wrestles with the demons of a tormented past Just when it seems that their strength together will eclipse any obstacle, misfortune, malice, and fate conspire to make Ana’s deepest fears turn to realityThis book is intended for mature audiences *Sigh* So bummed the series is over Ana and Christian's character evolution throughout the trilogy is unlike any I've ever seen She started off as a naive, shy college student, while Christian (AKA Fifty) was a cold, aggressive businessman By the end of Fifty Shades Freed, not only are they closer to one another, but they're alsoconfident in themselves In the final installment of the Fifty Shades series, Ana and Christian are married, but that doesn't mean that it's all roses and sunshine for the happy couple Not only is there the mystery of trying to find out who's trying to kill them the suspense definitely has its heartpounding moments but the newlyweds are also adjusting to married life and learning evenabout each other There'sthan just nailbiting suspense, though Of course there's also plenty of spicy bits to go around I mean, c'mon, Christian was a Dom when he first met Ana Of course their bedroom (and other room) scenes are going to sizzle! But their sexual interactions are beautifully interwoven with humorous and somber plot points, character arcs, and the infamous email exchange between Ana and Christian (love those!).After reading Fifty Shades Freed, I kept trying to decide which of the three books I loved best After thoughtful deliberation, I honestly could not come up with a favorite because I love them ALL So much so that gray may be my new favorite color Kidding sort of.*I received Fifty Shades Freed as a complimentary copy for review from the publisher. Things I have learned while reading the Fifty Shades series:a Stalking is good (No, reallystalking is acceptable behavior! *rolls eyes*)b Being controlled is a turn on (Free will? Freedom? Why would I want that? I want someone to control me! Well, sometimes, at leastbecause you knowthere are benefits to being controlled See below.)c If you have low selfesteem, it's perfectly okay to lose your virginity to a stalker, ubercontrolling guy who gets off on kinkyf*ckery Because, you know, you knew he was into kinky f*ckery (Ana's words, not mine!) You knew he didn't want the hearts and flowers and vanilla sex And you know this becausewell, you knowyou embarked on this relationship after having signed a nondisclosure agreement regarding your relationship with said stalkerubercontrolfreak, and after you've studied a contract regarding his kinky f*ckery and what he would do to you as his submissive So you can't say that you didn't know what you were getting yourself into.d Once you've lost yourself to said stalkerubercontrolfreak, it's okay to solve all your problems (and there will be many, mind you, starting with the fact that this guy you're having a relationship with is such a control freak and a stalker)but I digressit's okay to solve all your problems with neverendingmindblowingkinkyf*ckery multiple times a day, every day And theproblems and fights you have, the better Because he gets off on when you're bad and you get off on his kinky f*ckery! And because by now, you realize that sex solves everything! That's the one thing you two have in common! You revel in it Even if everything about you is being controlled such as what you eat, where you go, who you see, what you do, it's all okay! Kinky f*ckery solves all that lost freedom you once knew and enjoyed And the best part? Everything's good because you've got a stalkerubercontrolfreak who has accepted that you will not be a submissive He worships the ground you walk on and loves you and can't live without you! (Psstguess whatI think he's got lower selfesteem than you do! What's that? You think you're perfect for each other? WowI never would've seen that coming!)e And if you're bad (e.g., you decide to visit with your friend, your mom, go to work, or heaven forbid, skip a meal), you will be found He will show up wherever you are, even if you're on the opposite end of the country And you will be punished Harshly With neverendingmindblowing kinky f*ckery And with spanking (for those small offenses), flogging or whipping (for slightly larger offenses), or if you were really bad, you will be tortured with a vibrator and will not be allowed to have an orgasm (Ummmokay) Oh waitsorrythat wasn't the worst If you're really, really bad, as in you go topless in a nude beach in Italy, your wrists will be handcuffed to your ankles and you will be tortured withkinky f*ckery, which will inevitably leave you with chafed wrists and ankles as well as hickies, bruises and bite marks all over your torso, from your neck down, so that you can no longer wear a bikini You have been marked As the property of one stalkerubercontrolfreak So let that be a lesson to you f But if you were said lowselfesteemedinnocent girl, then you will be okay with it all Because you love the stalkerubercontrolfreak Warts and all And isn't that what love is all about anyway? Looking past someone's faults and accepting them, and losing yourself in them, and trying to forge through all that pain and angst together? Because you two together can do anything? Right? That's what it's all about, right? And you will save him From himself From his sad, forlorn, horrible, abused past From the pedophile who turned him onto BDSM From all the craziness that is in him You are his Messiah You will free him of all that ails him You are strong enough for the both of you You have achieved a demented Goddess complex You will agree to marrying him, even though you've only known him less than two months because you know that you two are yin and yang You complete each other He had you at Hello.g And it will all be okay, because said stalkerubercontrolfreak will give you an Audi A3, a Saab, an Audi R8, a laptop, an iPad, a Blackberry, 3 (count 'em, 3!) first editions of Tess of the D'Urbervilles (because one wasn't enough), a closet full of designer clothing and a multimillion dollar house Oh, did I mention that he will also buy the company that you work for, so that he can control you, what you do and who you work with? No? Well, stalkerubercontrolfreak will definitely buy your company.h After all that, not to mention the mind blowing kinky f*ckery, why, you have no recourse but to marry the guy! Otherwise, you'd just be ungrateful And because you know that your life would lose all meaning without him, and his would be a dark chasmic miasma without you (I know, I knowyou're perfect for each other! You already said that Shhh!) So you will accept his offer of marriage You will accept him, warts and all (which includes all his baggage) Which will, of course, include one (or all) of the following: blackmail, BDSM pedophilia, the Red Room of Pain, arson, kidnapping, breaking and entering, stalker exgirlfriends who stalk you/watch you while you sleep/point a gun at you, women who want your man, sexual harassment by your boss, multiple car chases, spying, 24/7 security, a helicopter crash, psychiatric evaluations, intense motherhatred, extreme jealousy, heart attacks, unwanted pregnanciesphew, I'm exhausted The list is exhaustive.Boy, am I glad I read this series Because now I know what I've been missing! Silly me, to think that my life has been pretty good thus far *shakes head* I need to ditch my alltoovanilla hubby and find a stalkerubercontrolfreak who will demean me and control me and make me a billionaire and repay me with neverendingmindblowing kinky f*ckery and absolute, allencompassing (read: stifling, suffocating, totally unhealthy) love Because that's why this series is so popular right?*shakes head*Ugh. FIFTY BETTER USES FOR FIFTY SHADES OF GREYPART 1: #115PART TWO: #1634Did you know that used bookstores and charity shops are drowning in used copies of FSoG?! Our local ReStore actually put out a news bulletin telling people they were no longer accepting them HARHARHARHAR.I'm guessing people are trying to dump them off on the needy because they have buyer's remorse (ME, I HAVE THIS), they don't want people to see these books sitting on their bookshelves (ME, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THESE BOOKS SITTING ON MY BOOKSHELVES), or they want to pass the glory of this series around (NOT ME NOT ME AT ALL I ACTUALLY JUST GAGGED WHEN I TYPED GLORY) So, if you, like me, like TOO DAMN MANY of us, find yourself with a set of the FSoG trilogy you no longer want, I've compiled a helpful list of ways you can reuse, repurpose or recycle them! 16 AN INSTRUCTIONAL GUIDE FOR HOW NOT TO TREAT YOUR LOVED ONES.17 PAPER AIRPLANESPhase OneStep One: Don't Google how to do this, because you definitely still retain your airplane making skills from middle school Step Two: Make a random fold Step Three: Make somerandom folds Don't worry, it'll be awesome Step Four: Toss that sucker Phase TwoStep One: Google how to make a paper airplane Step Two: Follow instructions Resent every moment of it Step Three: Lob your stealth fighter at an unsuspecting loved one Step Four: Run like hell when they whip it back at you.18 GET REVENGE FOR THE AIRPLANE INCIDENT BY FASHIONING YOURSELF A PAPER PRISON SHANK19 DRINKING GAMEStep One: Open any of the FSoG books to a random passage Start reading Every time Ana says or thinks, Oh my, take a shot Twenty pages later:20 GLASS CLEANERThis works surprisingly well 21 SNOT RAGThis works unsurprisingly terrible FSoG is about as good at absorbing snot as it is at portraying a healthy, consensual BDSM relationship.22 STEP STOOL23 KITTEH TOYSFigures that they actually loved this Buy them all the jingly, interactive toys you want and they'll ignore them Get them an empty box or a crumpled up description of a man pulling a tampon out of his girlfriend, and they'll play with that shit all day Cats Ugh.24 PAPER MACHE…THINGAt first I wanted to make a paper mache peesh, because how hilarious would that be? I'm not even going to post a picture of the travesty I created It looked like a halfsunken molehill Apparently I'm about as good with the female anatomy as my high school boyfriends were Badumching So, I decided to attempt a paper mache butt Because that seemed easy enough Step One: Take the fifteen layers of crafting drop cloth you've acquired and crumple a bunch of it into a ball Repeat Step Two: Mix an equal part of Elmer's Glue and water in a container.Step Three: Resist the urge to do that thing you did in kindergarten You know, when you coated your hands in glue, waited for it to dry, and then slowly peeled it off, getting a strange amount of pleasure from the process DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T DO IT TOO Step Four: Cut up about twenty pages of any of the FSoG books into 12 inch strips.Step Five: For the first layer, wet the strips with water only, and drape them over your butt cheeks The paper ones, not your actual ones Don't get weird Step Six: Now pile on some layers of the glue mix Remember to use your fingers to strain away extra liquid, otherwise you'll end up with a mess on your hands Step Seven: Wait for it to dry Be super unimpressed when you get back to it.Step Eight: Quit Hey, I didn't say that all these ideas would work out!Step Nine: Come up with a genius plan to salvage the situation Alcohol Alcohol will help.25 CAT PISSEROFFERNormal mode: Roll a page up and poke a sleeping kitteh Challenge Mode: Take a selfie with them before they scratch the shit out of you 26 PACKING PAPERProtect breakable goods when shipping! I recommend selecting explicit sex scenes for this Don't warn the person you're shipping to either, because that would take all the fun out of it 27 SCRAP PAPER28 PADDINGThis is my butt This is totally my butt This is my totally normal butt All the time This is what I live with.Look at the booty, look at the booty, look at the oops What?! No! I am NOT stuffing!29 WINTERIZE YOUR PLANTSWrap your delicate shrubs and trees with paper to keep them from dying during the WINTER FROM HELL.30 PREVENT WEEDS IN THE SPRINGStep One: Lay down a single layer of sheets over your garden (or in this case over one of your indoor boxed planters BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW).Step Two: Cover in mulch.31 RANSOM NOTEStep One: Select a target.Step Two: Get crafting.Step Three: Send a message.32 LITTER BOX LINER33 MAKE YOUR OWN VALENTINE'S DAY BOUQUETStep One: Take a bunch of pages containing contrived relationship drama, and paint that shit in the colors of love.Step Two: Once your pages have dried, stack them and draw a whirlpool design on the top one.Step Three: Cut It Out.Step Four: Curl it up and glue it together Step Five: Take some green wire, bend it to your will (you want them to resemble stems), and tape those flowers to it!Step Seven: Take some left over white flowers from #115 and add them in to the flower arrangement.Step Eight: SO PRETTEH34 MAKE YOUR OWN VALENTINE'S DAY CARDSStep One: Paint a sheet whichever color you want on each side.Step Two: Once it dries, add a message Step Three: Share.Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram | Pinterest CLICK HERE TO READ MORE REVIEWS AT READING, EATING DREAMING***EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AND CONTENT THIS IS AN ADULT BOOK PLEASE DON’T READ THIS REVIEW UNLESS YOU ARE AN ADULT***Fifty, Fifty, Fifty I can’t get enough Fifty.I have read a lot of mixed reviews for Fifty Shades Freed, the third novel in the Fifty Shades trilogy This is my response: Fifty Shades Freed was EXCELLENT How can anyone complain aboutFifty?Reading this novel was a bittersweet experience I couldn’t get enough; I wanted to rush through this entire novel and absorb it all as quickly as possible On the other hand, I wanted to take my sweet time and drag things out because I never wanted it to end I’m devastated that this series wrapped up, and I have hopes (fingers crossed) that this won’t be the last we see of Christian Grey I could read about Christian and Ana forever (Christian may be the perfect man to star in a neverending series He seems to have enough issues LOL)Christian and Ana make a lot of progress in this novel, but they also suffer a few setbacks I thought both their progress and their setbacks were moving and realistic Christian is still the same bossy, domineering man that we all love, and their sex is still just as kinky and hot as ever This novel also had the added element of suspense The “bad guy” storyline was intriguing and entertaining; it really added to the novel In this novel, we also discoverabout Christians past and seegrowth and development in his character Oh, and don’t forget about Ana’s inner goddess and her subconscious; they are back and just as hilarious as before I enjoyed this novel – beginning, middle, and end And, I absolutely adored the epilogue and the bonus chapters at the end!!!E.L James Thank you so much for writing this hot, crazy, mindblowing story! It has been an absolute pleasure reading Ana and Christian’s love story.The Fifty Shades trilogy is UNFREAKINGBELIEVABLY GOOD!This series is HILARIOUS Ana and Christian’s playful emails and witty banter are hysterical and entertaining Christian’s domineering side is amusing, and, Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious are, like I’ve said before, the best things ever! This series is guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.This series is HOT! This erotic series pushes the envelope I strongly recommend this series to everyone who thinks they can handle some kinky fuckery! By kinky fuckery, I mean an introduction into the world of BDSM – floggers, handcuffs, blindfolds, cable ties, D/s relationships, and a whole lot .I gave Fifty Shades Freed by E.L James 5 STARS I look forward to rereading this series over and over in the future, and I can’t wait to see what Ms James comes out with next Can you top Fifty? I just don’t see that happening, but hey, I never thought I’d read and love a BDSM novel either Never say never!PS: I absolutely adored the bonus chapters from Christian’s perspective at the end It was a wonderful treat.PSS: Ms James concludes an excerpt from Fifty Shades of Grey in Christian’s perspective with, “That’s all…for now.” Is she thinking about writing this trilogy from Christian’s perspective? Hmm…XOXOREADING, EATING DREAMING Okay, don't hurt me, I know there are a lot of Christian Grey fans out there, unfortunately I am just not one of them This is the third and final installment of the Fifty Shades trilogy, Ana and Christian are now married and are set to live a long and happy life, or are they? With some body out there threatening them and Christian's own fucked up past, wedded bliss maybe but a dream.Although I am not the biggest fan of the other books, I did find them strangely addicting and was quite looking forward to Fifty Shades Freed but I am very disappointed I expected so muchFor me the book went like this:Ana: I am going out for some milk Christian! See you in 5!Christian: NO, STAY! MINE! Why are you abandoning me for milk, I KNEW I was unworthy of love STAY!Ana: It is not that I am abandoning you for milk, we have just run out, you know I love you *gives soulful look*Christian: MINE STAY! It is dangerous..*looks away*What would I do without you? *looks vulnerable*Ana: My poor Fifty! Oh Mr Grey, you know I would never leave youthis is about your birth mother isn't it? She never got you milk.Christian: It is simply too dangerous you are MINE MINE MINE! Now Mrs Grey come here, I want to use sex to avoid talking about our problems Mrs Grey.Ana: Oh okayyou know I would never refuse you Mr Grey.The next morningAna: *looks down at her cereal* I knew I should have gotten some milk.Rinse and repeat~~~~~~~I found the whole thing repeatative, and Ana and Christian continued to irritate meandas I read the book, she would do something any normal girl would do; he would go psycho about it; she would cave; they have sex; he gets his way It drove me nuts I guess the two stars that I have given it are for the sex scenes themselves, they were hot, although I did start to get bored of them about half way through the book It seems instead of giving Fifty Shades Freed a plot, it has just been filled out with sex.I don't normally give such negative reviews and I try to say something positive, something that I liked, but I have found it hard for this book But, I know alot of people, including my friends have loved it and would gleefully takes Ana's place if they couldjust please, please cross me off that list! By now, I'm not entirely sure what to say about this book Aside from now Ana and Christian are now married, travel to fantastic places for their honeymoon and someone is still trying to do both of them harm, not much has changed I'm really tired of Christian's overprotectiveness, fast It's beyond annoying and he's no where near as sexy now as I thought he was in the beginning I can't understand why anyone would think Christian's behavior is sexy Troubled? Tortured? Stalkerish? Childish? Hell yes Sexy? Not unless you like to be told what to do, when to do it, how to do, even have it done for you ALL THE TIME.Nothing gets resolved, Christian is still overbearing, and Ana still takes it In many different ways, but even that gets really old I was ready to give up and didn't care what happened to anyone in the story at all.I guess it's a good thing I didn't The last quarter of the book was really good, I mean like different book good Stuff happens, change of pace, even change of characters! It's like Ana and Christian finally become the terrific couple we thought they could become in the first book I won't give too much away, but Christian becomes likable again, and Ana tolerable.This really should have been just one book, and only one! Seriously, with some good editing, cutting of tons of unnecessary crap and a little restructuring, this would have been an awesome ★★★★★ book! But the author, editors and publishers must have gotten greedy or lazy Or both, I'm gonna go with both First, $9.99 per ebook is just ridiculous (and yet I bought all 3, so I guess I'm just as stupid) No excuse for it, especially for a first time author Second, for $9.99 it better be pretty f*cking flawless, and none of them are A few words here and there that totally take me out of the story (During a sex scene, Ana runs her hands across Christian's clavicles Because that sounds erotic as hell What? Shoulder blades too common for you?) Several times I caught myself trying to figure out the choreography (Her back is to him, he's touching her in all the right places and she's admiring his boyish grin, or something along those lines No mirror in the room, no mention of her turning around, but she can see his mouth? Bad choreography, bad editing.) And I'm not sure what they're called, but those weird boxes that show up in the middle of words, when you know it's a software thing, a comma or apostrophe didn't translate or something plenty of those here If I'm paying $9.99 for an ebook, these, at the very least, should not be there Unacceptable.And I understand reusing certain words and phrases throughout a book, it can drive a point home, reconnect you with a certain feeling the author wants to convey, even be funny or sweet, reveal something Once or twice, I'm not going to complain Hell, I may not even notice! Twenty million times across 3 way too long books, I'm gonna be bored, angry you're wasting so much time and space on inane words, and just plain sick of it.Fair point well made Mr Grey Mrs Grey Twitching palms Kinky f*ckery Mr Mecurial Oh, my Fifty, Fifty, Fifty! My poor lost boy! Come! (used several different ways) Smirking Laters, baby Your Mrs Robinson B*tch Troll My control freak You don't eat enough Don't bite your bottom lip You're mine Mine Mine Hush He's really mad Mine.There's tons , but I think you can get the point Also, this still feels a lot like fan fiction This book really reminds me Breaking Dawn, in that like Bella, Ana really and finally comes into her own and takes some control in her life They both save the day at the ends of their books, rescuing all they love, no longer needing the men in their lives to save them Even though the men still want too.If you've read the first two, and are feeling a little tired of all the junk, skim this one until the last quarter You won't miss too much, but the end brings the series to a better than expected close And it won't take you forever and a week to finish it If you've not read any of the books yet, don't Or at least borrow them Really, there is better stuff out there, don't rush. Oh dear Lord I have just finished reading this and I can't stop laughing At the end of the book there is an Author's Note that states that the author is fully aware that you cannot walk into an American Bank and demand to draw five million dollars Oh my ever loving hell THAT is the part that you're apologizing for? I want to cry scream and throw things! These books make me feel like the world is irreversibly messed up And no not because of the sex Have all the kinky fun sex you want But this man BROKE people Am I the only person who is not ok with that? You want me to believe that this successful man is broken himself because his mother was a Crack whore (fuck you for constantly calling someone that just by the way the constant reference to his mother as the crack whore pissed me off just as much as the shoddy workmanship and bullshit pretentious overuse of puffed up vocabulary did)but I will NEVER accept that being broken is an acceptable reason to use people like toilet paper something our supposedly irresistible Mr Grey even admits to No I'm sorry All of this is fucked up The writing is pathetic, superfluous and almost every second line in this series is redundant Awesome so a bunch of people read about kinky sex and now the riding crop and butt plug industry is booming So happy you guys have all got your kink on But please do NOT try and tell me that this is a beautiful story It just fucking isn't The dynamic between these two people makes my teeth hurt The idea that any woman would put up with being treated that way repulses me to no end And Ana herself is just a bloody idiot Take away the good looks and the money and you're left with a creepy fucked up guy who should be in jail You tell me he is all these wonderful things though give me no reason to believe you Ana is supposedly this intelligent bookish person and she narrated THIS load of crap? You tell me she is strong? I'm sorry but I see no strength All I see is a bunch of books where sometimes stuff almost happens but nothing ever really does Oh yeah with a lot of sex in it Whoopdie friggen doo If you're into reading erotica then GREAT!! Go wild Erotica is awesome and if nothing else it might help turn you on if your hubby can't get you excited anyBut spare me the it's such a touching story and we care about Ana and Christian crap I have a newsflash for you: You're not in love with Christian Grey you just seriously need to get laid by someone who knows what they're doing And let me tell you something else: no matter how good the sex is NO MAN is worth being treated badly End of story Also: for all of you planning to indulge in this kind of unrealistically frequent sex life drink Citro Soda On a daily basis Twice daily even I don't care how clean that man's penis is you still need to look after your vag!I have about a million other things to say but I'm actually too exhausted to even start going there Relief.Profound relief that I've finally finished this book.441 pages.Dear God it was about 200 pages too long I swear, I thought it was never going to end On and on and on and onI just can't describe it And then, just when I thought it was overalong comes an Epilogue.Ana and Christian frolicking in a meadow with their son, while she pregnant with their daughter But it's not a short epilogue Oh no It comes complete with a Flashback.Oh no! Poor Ana had a scary labor and delivery!But it doesn't end there.'Cause where's the fun in that?No, you get reread the first chapter of Fifty Shades of Greyfrom Christian's point of view.God! I hate him! I know everyone else luuuurves this guy, but.*shrieking and banging head against wall*HE! IS! CRAZY!Does nobody else notice this?! I get that he's had an awful childhood (for the first 4 years of his life), but he is beyond wacky! And Ana's reactions to his idiocy pissed me off even worse.He doesn't want her to drive a jet ski, because it's too dangerous.?!?!?!Are you serious? A fucking jet ski?! 10 year old kids drive jet skis! Oh, but defiant Ana does it anyway.You go, girl! Get your ass on that big scary jet ski!Of course the entire time she's worried that she's made him mad Grrrrrrrr.Then, to add insult to injury, he agrees to let her drive after her initial unapproved ride And she wrecks Well, as much as you can wreck on a jet ski She basically falls offin the water And yet, you would think she hit a wall at 90 miles an hour, for all of the blubbering and scowling Christian does.HE! IS! CRAZY!So, in other words, Christian was right Poor little Ana shouldn't have driven the incredibly dangerous jet ski.Arghhhhh!And, naturally, Ana simpers and rushes to comfort the crazy bastard.It was like that for the entire book!Ana, you deliberately disobeyed me, by leaving the house to have drinks with your friend.*simper, simper*Oh, my poor, poor, Fifty! He looks so angrymaybe this time I've pushed him too far! He looks so lost and childlike I guess that now would be a terrible time to tell him that I want to keep my maiden name at work! He's just so scared! I shouldn't do things to upset him My poor, dear, lost, Fifty!In case you were wondering, she doesn't keep her maiden name at her job Nope Poor Fifty couldn't take the stress Everyone must know that you are mine, Ana!BECAUSE! YOU! ARE! CRAZY!If the damn animal bites you, stop petting it, Ana!I kept thinking I would reserve judgment of her reactions, because maybe the author was going to have her go into therapy at the end of the book.But she didn't No, apparently coddling a possessive stalker is the right way to deal with things Yep It's one big Happily Ever After for those two!I especially enjoyed the visual of him flogging her while she was pregnant, and commenting on how much he would miss the taste of breast milk Ewwwwwwwwwwww!Fifty Shades of Annoyingthe short list1) The 'high speed' car chase 85 mph is not high speed unless you are over 85!2)Calling each other Mr and Mrs Grey It was cute on your wedding day After 400 plus pagesnot so cute.3)Come It's Christian's favorite word, and he must have said it 500 times If you haven't read the book, then you probably can't understand how much one word could grate on your nerves Come Ana, we must go.Come You must eat Come You must be tired.Come Follow my creepy ass to the bedroom.Come You cannot think for yourself.Come I will smirk and grin if you go with me.KABOOSH!*my head explodes*4)The grody Mrs Robinson? Nothing happens to her.At the very least Grace should have taken a hit on on her Sorry, but if I found out a family friend had screwed one of my teenagersRun, Bitch! Run! I was perversely delighted to find out that her exhusband had broken a few of her bones when he found out about he affair with Christian In fact, my inner goddess did a somersaultin her granny panties, thank you very much.5)The book is filled with dumbass stuff like this:What do you want, Mrs Grey?Blah, blah, blahI can feel him hard against my behind.You.And I you, my love, my life,* retching noise in background *Who says pretentious shit like that?! I can't imagine any guy (who still has his nuts) spouting that crap.This book sucked I hated it.The End